Why I Don’t Support the Online “LGBT Community”

I am lucky to live in a State where, for the most part, you can still have a civil discussion about current political issues with someone who may disagree with you, but who doesn’t hate you prior to the beginning of the conversation. Even so, I’d be a fool not to acknowledge that the social landscape of the West has changed pretty drastically from what I remember, with some fondness, about 10 years ago. As a kid, I’d never come across such terms as “SJW” or “Pro-LGBT” or “Skeptic”. Words like “conservative” or “liberal” weren’t thrown around with malice as if they were some sort of disgusting creature to be loathed rather than simply a way for one to categorize their major (and uncontroversial) beliefs under a label for others to understand.

So when I eventually gained an understanding that there were “gay” people, beyond the confines of the ludicrous amounts of lesbian porn I consumed as a wee lad, my reaction was:

*Shrug* Ok, cool.

If that was everyone’s reaction, I don’t imagine we’d have a problem. If you’re a part of the online “Pro-LGBT community” and are nodding your head at the sentiment just before you run off to attack the “hetero-normative” society with your superfluous keyboard autism, I must discourage you in the strongest possible manner. Because I’ve quite lost patience with this sort of behavior.

The lyrics from the Nine Inch Nails song “Hand That Feeds” come to mind:

What if this whole crusade’s
A charade
And behind it all there’s a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?”

The song was written in 2005, well enough before all of the “Pro-LGBT community” nonsense got out of hand, but it rings true more than ever today. What exactly do you think you’re accomplishing by attacking the people who are supposed to be on your side? One moment you’re clamoring on about everyone getting along and living together peacefully, the next you’re tweeting “death to heteros!” or “Wow, I hate heterosexual people so much.”

I want you to ask yourself an honest question: Are you part of the “LGBT Community” because you actually want to change something, or is it because you want to justify your hate towards certain people under the guise of acceptance; the “holy and the divine“? And if you want to change something, what exactly are you looking to change that is not inspired by resentment towards other people? Would you be brave enough to say something if it was the unpopular opinion? “Just how deep do you believe?”

I’m not sure if you realize this, but the VAST majority of people are fine with homosexuals. I guarantee that if you weren’t looking for it (probably on the Internet, no less, rather than in the real world) you would find homophobia far less often than I come across people who immediately judge my character because I enjoy wearing black clothing. Homophobia is not exactly an “in” thing, in case you haven’t noticed.

I think there used to be a valid reason for the existence of an “LGBT movement”, and at the time I think the movement accomplished some good and productive things, but this was before the Internet became as prevalent as it is today. Anymore, a lot of my exposure to the “LGBT community” is online, and it’s extremely negative. It’s a scary idea, but I’m forced to wonder whether the current situation is that A) The pervasiveness of the Internet has brought a lot of people with differing ideas out of the woodwork who are fragmenting their communities and poorly representing them or B) The anonymity of the Internet has brought out peoples’ true colors.

In any case, with the way things have progressed, I can now say the following unequivocally and in the harshest possible terms: I consider the “LGBT community” and the online movement behind it absurd, exclusive, hateful, and most importantly, counter-productive.

I’m a prime example of that last point. My reaction to hearing that someone is an “LGBT” person has gradually shifted from the “Ok, cool” reaction to “I’d rather not talk to that person because they probably hate me“. I don’t know about you, but for me it’s kind of depressing to be hated before I’ve even had a chance to talk to someone, and it’s absolutely infuriating when someone like that turns around and tells me to support and love them. Why the hell would I support a community that tweets and writes articles about my own demise based on who I am at birth?

Furthermore, let it be known that one does not normalize something by making it into a special, exclusionary group. But of course, normalizing is not the reason the group exists; I will let you figure that out for yourself.

And I’ll just end this by saying that I, like most of the normal, functioning human beings on earth, am FINE with the existence of any and all people. In particular, those I’ve met in real life have been quite normal, as one would expect from an individual human being who isn’t boxed in and labeled as something. I do think, if you’re not a hateful person, but are involved in a community that prides itself (no pun intended) on hating others, you should reconsider.

Also, Yuri master race ❤

Yuri Dom

 

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Dream 12 + 13

4/24/2015 – 6:30 AM

I woke up and immediately forgot a couple of specific details about the dream as I was trying to remember it. I think it was short, but even still I only remember the end.

I was hopping around like Samus from Metroid Prime. I was able to use her Scan ability.

I cannot recall the context, but before waking up, a voice said something about someone or something using magic called “Mabeon.”

An image of the Mask of Truth from The Legend of Zelda was the last thing I saw before waking up.


4/25/2015 – 8:20 AM

I was experiencing a character other than myself in 3rd person, almost like watching a movie. It was an anime character.

He was trying to save some people’s lives, and he seemed fervent about needing to run in order to do so. I remember Kanbaru Suruga from the Monogatari Series showed up and told him (me?) that she could help.

Something about Friday or Saturday was mentioned and I woke up.


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Dream 11 – 4/17/2012 – 7 AM

I had a dream that felt very familiar, like I’d had it before. I was fighting in a war as a suicide bomber and kept coming back every time I was killed. I remember feeling very patriotic about it, and proud to be fighting.

I eventually sort of seamlessly merged with the US Army and was protecting some young kids in an auditorium made of stone that had water running down the walls around it. There was a tunnel I was paranoid about and our whole team started watching it.

When we went through the tunnel, we met some comical Arabian guy with a sword who helped us out and ended up talking to us until the next morning.

I woke up after the wife of one of my compatriots got mad at him because he had forgotten their anniversary. I assume it was someone else’s wife, but maybe it was mine. Because I had a daughter I loved very much.


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Dream 10 – 4/17/2010 – 6:15 AM

Dreams 8 + 9 entries state that no dreams were remembered those nights.


I dreamed that I was going through a long, secret passageway to get home. I somehow knew that earlier I had been driving in the rain in an open-top car, and I then came to this passageway where my family was, and we climbed through it.

On the other side, we dropped into a pit where creatures that looked like the Gears of War zombie lambent drones were. They attacked us, because apparently our people had oppressed them. We were angry because we hadn’t done anything to provoke them.

Eventually, while fighting, my mom pulled us out somehow and explained that it was a movie and I was the leader of the bad guys, “Mitchell” (can’t remember the last name).

We got into a dog-drawn carriage going somewhere (I didn’t know where) and passed through the street I lived on as a kid.

We stopped at B’s house (B was a neighborhood friend) and some lady in the carriage was telling my mom about how she’d wanted to buy the house but my mom had said no. My mom explained that the shape of the house was evil, with its balcony. It was shaped such that a child could catch falling stars.

Suddenly, I was lifted into the air and it became dark. A star fell past me and I caught it. I was unceremoniously thrust up to the balcony where a large star spoke to me in a strange, “robotic” or “digital” voice.

It said “There be a God” and I repeated the message. It then said “An evil and a good God.” I repeated it again, but was trying to say “Help me!” The force holding me in the air wouldn’t let go, though I struggled to move.

I heard my mom say “Have you seen your face? It was black with-” but she was cut off and I woke up shaking.


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Dream 5-7 – 4/14/2012

4:45 AM

I have had 3 short dreams so far and don’t remember any of them. Having a lot of trouble staying asleep and feel very tired and frustrated.


5:50 AM

It was my little sisters’ birthday. We were in our new house. My mom put $10 on a table, saying it was mine and that I should give it to my sisters for their birthday.

Everyone left into the adjacent room and I pocketed the money because I needed it for other things. I went into the next room and everyone had disappeared.


7:00 AM

I was in New York, and was aware that I was in a dream. I was thinking about how I would write about it in my Dream Diary, in fact.

My friends Adrian and David (two people I met when I ran away to Manhattan a few years ago) were fighting about some “elite” something or other that I didn’t understand. I told them to calm down and asked if I could help and Adrian freaked out at me. David was crying. Adrian started yelling at some guys and left.

As I was walking down the street, I thought maybe I’d have some fun, knowing I was dreaming. I called out to a pretty red-head girl I knew was named Claire. I knew her from somewhere in the dream.

We started kissing and were about to have sex when loud footsteps in the conscious world woke me up. It really annoys me.


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Dream 4 – 4/13/2012 – 7AM

I woke up (in the dream) feeling weird and not knowing it was Mama’s birthday. I had heard something in real life about Dadi and some of Papa’s friends coming over this Summer, which is probably why they were in the dream.

I started playing the Xbox. I was in the Living Room of our old house. Eventually, I stopped and walked around and someone mentioned saying “happy birthday” to Mama. She was in the basement (the basement of our new house, which was now in our old one) so I decided to wait until she came back up.

K and S (2 of 3 younger brothers) started fighting, so Papa got angry and ripped out the Xbox and everything. Somehow I was holding it and was upstairs, so I put it down and S silently came in and took it. I was mad at him for making Papa mad.

I got very upset suddenly and everything was going wrong. I couldn’t find my shoes to go outside (the only ones I could find were my old Anarchy Converse), Dadi was roaming around the house, and Papa’s friends had shown up and were playing some Indian pop music (I remember hoping they had seen Papa go crazy).

I went upstairs to my room (still in our old house). I was about to try and relax when a small voice from inside my closet said “Do you want to play with me?” I shouted “No!” and slammed the door, mostly out of fear, and ran to my parents’ room, wondering how today could get any worse. I don’t remember going back to my room, but I ended up  back there and the same thing happened, except this time a small, doll-sized boy hopped off one of the shelves, ran up to me and said “Let’s play a game of hide and seek.” I tried to abate my fear and said “Ok” and followed him downstairs.

“You’re it!” he said, running back upstairs. I chased him into K’s closet, where somehow he disappeared. There were dolls with strange eyes and faces lying all around the closet.

“They all look like you” I said. “Yes” the boy’s voice replied. Suddenly, a bunch of stuff wrapped in a Mickey Mouse blanket in the center of the closet moved and his voice from inside it said “They all look like you, too.” I was confused until I felt something grab me and heard the whirring sound of a saw blade.

I woke up as the blade was pushed against my throat.


Nightmare-scape

Love Letter From S – 7/30/2013

love_letter_full_1179850This is a hand-written letter I received from a female coworker a few years ago. She handed me the note in-person and advised me to wait until I got home to read it. It was contained within a small envelop with a unicorn and rainbow drawn on the front, and was written neatly, though with some seemingly random words or phrases appearing slanted, almost as if intentionally italicized. Spelling and grammatical errors are all preserved.


July 30 2013

Kay, so I am writing you a letter, so you can put it in your Treasure Box at home :3

Anyway, I enjoy spending time with you, even though it’s at work, and I can’t hold your hand or hug you and stuff xP. It really sucks, but I can’t wait for Friday. I already have a secret plan, what we will do x)

Part of my Plan is that you’ll meet my mom obviously, but don’t be scared haha. As long as your polite she’ll like you :3 Also I will pick you up from where ever so we can go to work together, it honestly is no problem at all, and I have been thinking about asking you if you’d like a ride home every night xP?

So, besides that, I hope you know that I really care about you and you are my special Unicorn Pet that I secretly like a lot haha. You are so cute and things you say and do make me all happy n stuff xP Uhm… yeah. I try to be pretty forward when I like someone, but I don’t know what it is about you that makes me all nervous and shy around you… And don’t you dare to think “Awh that’s cute” x3 lol you’re not allowed to do that x)

But yeah, that’s all I have to say for now. Hope everything is going alright with you… you mean a lot to me. 🙂

-S


S was about my age, part German, and spoke with a fairly thick accent. She was not obese, but slightly chubby (the kind you could reasonably hide underneath a baggy T-shirt) and had dark, dyed red hair during the time I knew her, if I remember correctly. She was a girly, kind, geeky sort of person, who also came across as extremely bisexual (just something I noticed, but not a particularly important factor at the time).

We initially began talking when she asked me if I believed in ghosts. I cannot remember my reply, though I likely said something to the effect of “No, but I would like to believe they exist and I have had experiences I cannot explain”, as this has been my stance on spirits for a long time.

I originally had to reject her feelings, as I was dating a high school girl at the time. Shortly after, I learned that my then-girlfriend had tried to cheat on me during a school trip, but had been caught. I dated S for a few months before breaking it off, partly because I felt weird immediately dating a new girl after I learned I’d been cheated on, partly because I felt S was too forward for comfort (she tried to bed me on my first visit to her house), and partly because I found I wasn’t enough attracted to her physically (She was pretty, but I prefer very thin women).

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Dream 3 – 4/13/2012 – 4:35AM

I don’t remember many details. There was some sort of competition over being the strongest psychic, or philosopher, or magician, or something.

I remember looking on Craigslist at my opponents’ items (guitar pedals) that were so much cheaper than the phone I was selling for $80. I wondered why I had it listed for so much and dropped the price to $20, sometime between dreaming and waking.

I can’t get “Behind the Mask” by Anarchy Club out of my head. I can’t remember if the song was part of the dream, or if perhaps the dream had something to do with anarchy.


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Dream 1+2 – 4/11/2012 – 7AM

I can’t remember if this is part of dream 2, and I only remember bits of this short dream.

I remember knowing that it was Wednesday morning. “S” (youngest of 3 younger brothers) was about to play his Xbox 360 and I came over and asked, “Is it a multiplayer game?” He said “No” in a a tone that I found annoying and I said, “Are you even allowed to play the Xbox on Wednesday?” I noticed he was playing “Lost Planet 2”.

“I don’t know!” he replied, dropping the controller and sitting back on his hands. I turned it off saying, “You’re not, you need to ask.” He said “Papa and Mama aren’t here” and I replied “Mama is” because she was doing something in the kitchen.

At this point, I vaguely recall Papa coming in and it’s possible my 2nd dream started here, but I don’t remember.


I went on a trip, a longer one than what I remember, and was left in Puerto Rico by my dad and A.C. (highschool friend). I took $31 out of my bag and gave the bag to A.C. to take care of, and they drove off in this old-fashioned car. I felt around in my pocket and remembered I’d stuffed $10 in there before.

I looked around for a bit and found a hotel where I met a lady who said I could have the entrance room. The whole hotel looked like a dirty house. I thought the thing on the left side of the room was a piano, but it was just a writing desk.

The woman told me to wait and got who I presume was her husband. He smiled a lot. I asked how much for a room and made a gesture which he commented on. We both laughed. He did not answer my question, but began a tour of the hotel. I noticed a keyboard tucked under some things in the entrance room after all.

The man would keep placing my hand on his head for some reason, but this did not bother me.

He told me about how the hotel had been suffering until the 10th President of Puerto Rico, when everything went to hell. But luckily for the hotel, everyone needed a cheap place to stay and the hotel got lots of calls.

As he said this, we went upstairs and saw, not nicer, but cleaner, more furnished rooms. I remember asking if I could work to help fix up the hotel and the man just said “If you want, you can. I’ll buy you ice cream or something.”

After his story, he just kind of vanished. I was talking to his wife, who seemed younger, and an obnoxious boy. I don’t recall what the conversation was about. Something about how something is spelled, or proper word usage.

I remember at the end, right before I woke up, they said “Uno, dos, tres, diez de muerto!” In between dreaming and waking I asked “10 of death?” and the girl’s voice said “Yes, it’s how we refer to the 10th President of Puerto Rico.”

Puerto Rico looked a lot like India, but with a different color palette that was mostly white, red, and orange. The people there reminded me of my experience in India; they dressed and looked Indian. The only real indication I was in Puerto Rico were a couple signs that declared it in red letters and the Spanish at the end of the dream.


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“Me” 2017

anime girl surrounded by books 2 (1)

This is a precursor to my dream diary, in which I will ramble (in no order whatsoever) about some of the important elements of “me” at the current time. Perhaps these things are important to the dreams themselves, or vice versa. I’m sure I will be writing more in detail about all of these feelings as time goes on, since my mood is very temperamental. I simply don’t feel like going into much detail right now.

I am also resolving, as I wrote in the post titled “Square 1”, not to censor my thoughts and feelings from here on, as I have no interest in anyone or anything’s thoughts on this page, apart from my own.

Should there be any radical changes in the future, I imagine those will be recorded as necessary.


Basic

I was born in 1992. I am a Libra. I am a male. My favorite colors are purple and black. I love all forms of music, but primarily listen to heavy metal. Rap and hip-hop post-2010 is generally quite bad in my estimation, but there are exceptions in every genre. I play the piano and the electric guitar reasonably well. I am terrified of spiders when I am alone.

I have insomnia. Uncontrollable, grotesque images appear in the dark as I am about to go to sleep. This usually manifests itself as a tall, thin woman with sunken eyes and stringy black hair who will lurch around my room groaning. I try to counter this by sleeping with a small light on, which helps slightly.

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Directionless

For the past 3 years I have been entirely directionless. I moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment about 20 miles north of where they live, and was doing things on my own. Feeding myself. Going to work myself. Paying bills. Learning about many adult things such as taxes, and drinking, and losing friends, but also things like responsibility, loneliness, and nihilism. Especially loneliness and nihilism. But make no mistake, future me, I was lonely and nihilistic before, no doubt about it. My break-up with my fiancée which resulted in her desire that I never speak with her again, combined with the fact that I had a daughter who I now pretend doesn’t exist has changed my life and my psyche forever. But now that I can put a name to my shortcomings and understand them from a more “mature” point of view, I suppose I feel like it may have made things worse.


Bipolar Disorder, psychosis, philosophy

I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II and “mild psychosis” in 2012. I remind myself of this probably a couple of times a week. It helps to keep me sane thinking that I’m not sane relative to some other people. Because otherwise, I simply don’t know how I could come to terms with my feelings and actions. Today I’ve felt relatively d310d9c5f67f787c935102045fc9b52bgood. I haven’t left the apartment, but I’ve been studying Calculus in preparation for my college courses next year (I am fervently hopeful that finishing my college degree will put me on a better life track) and I feel I am accomplishing something in doing so. Tomorrow I may very well find no motivation to do anything, and this is a horrifying reality to have to live in. My friends ask me if I want to hang out sometimes on the weekends, and I always have to say, “I’ll let you know the day of.” Because it’s true. Maybe I can just barely get out of bed that day. Maybe I’ll actually be excited. Who knows? The people and objects in my life don’t exist on a continuum. I don’t think they do for anyone, but for me it seems like they can become entirely different one day to the next. I really hate it. It’s so frustrating.

However, I can say that my ability to deal with my disorder is much better now than it was 3 years ago, despite (or perhaps partially because of) the fact that I no longer take medication. A lot of this is because I found good philosophy. Carl Jung, Freud, Rogers, and the modern-day Jordan Peterson have been extremely crucial to me recently, in particular. Finding a set of philosophies that seem to match with my perception of the world has been invaluable, though also challenging.

Jung’s idea of incorporating the “Shadow”, for example, and Peterson’s harsh criticisms of nihilism are difficult for me to hear, because I know these ideas are good ideas, but I have trouble understanding how to incorporate them into my own life. I have some rather unfortunate, unsolved vices, that I am self-conscious about, and that make this difficult.

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Anger, difficulty developing relationships with others, laziness, misogyny, homophobia (men only), difficulty trusting anyone (other than my mother), nihilism, constant tiredness. 

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It would be appropriate, I think, to also mention my virtues, so I will do this as well.

Patient, self-aware, highly empathetic, good at listening to others, physically healthy, studious (when I set goals for myself)


You wouldn’t know me, there are two distinct “me’s”, and countless others

I’m incredibly good at separating my “crazy” personality from my public one. I have a few good friends who I have known for a long time, and among the people I meet in everyday life, I am well-liked. I cannot establish lasting relationships, however, because I find this to be tiring and not worth my time, so I have not made another true “friend” for years now.

While I often find myself pleased with the fact that I can be considered normal and desirable to be around in the real world, while simultaneously recording my dark secrets online as I am now, I also recognize that this must be unhealthy. I’m not honest, in the sense that my body and consciousness are not in sync, and it’s not a good way to live in the world. I’m not properly incorporating my Shadow into my being.

I recognize that my writing about these things in the first place and my self-awareness are a great boon to my psyche, however. I’m also fully aware that my ability to “break” and do something very unfortunate is not a trivial matter. I thank my self-awareness and my mother for preventing any crime more terrible than a stolen bottle of ketchup from Safeway thus far, and I believe my newfound desire to return to college and make something of myself is a step further in the right direction.


Lust

I think about pornography quite a bit, and it has caused my psyche to change fairly drastically. These days, I put forth a concerted effort to focus my time on things that I feel will improve myself, such as studying, music, writing, etc. However, sexual desire and lustful thoughts will inevitably invade my mind the moment I let my guard down.

It’s not that I feel shame in the fact that I indulge in pornography. In fact, I’m very upfront about it with friends, as I don’t see it as anything unusual. However, it does sometimes take up a significant portion of time and it has also changed my sexuality in what I consider to be a negative way.

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I feel small pangs of disgust when I view any depiction of a male online. I feel even more disgusted when I realize I’m feeling this way, and it causes me to feel depressed. I have no issues outside of the digital domain, which I find incredibly bizarre. In fact, I tend to get along better with men than with women in general. I am not offended or made uncomfortable by homosexual men in the real world either, though I cannot bring myself to be friends with them. But even just typing these words immediately sets off a trigger in me. I really can’t explain it. All I want to see online are women, especially women with other women, and when I imagine myself in a relationship it is typically as a woman with another woman.

I’m not transsexual. In fact, I quite dislike transsexuals, but I have rational reasons for this that aren’t triggered by disgust or discomfort. I simply find the sight of men online uncomfortable. I want to be a male in a relationship with a female, but the only females I find myself attracted to are lesbians. I sometimes wish the entire world would consist of lesbians. It’s a completely irrational thought, something I am self-aware of, but I have this thought nonetheless.


Misogyny

When did I become so misogynistic? I have been asking myself this a lot recently. Only 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have had any of these thoughts.

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Women are all out to get you. They want your material possessions. They want to control your life and your being.

Women are shallow, incapable of deep philosophical thought, motivated only by biological urges.

Women have no real value to you apart from sexual gratification. 

I want badly to have a real relationship with a woman, but it is impossible to connect with them. I can’t trust them. “Strong” women arouse me, not because they are strong, but because the thought of tearing them down and using them arouses me.

Judging from reactions in other areas online, perhaps these thoughts would be disturbing to many people. I often find myself wondering if others share the same opinion, but are simply too afraid to admit it. Well, I suppose if you were trying to make yourself attractive to women, you wouldn’t want to be terribly upfront about such thoughts.

One of two girls will sometimes come to mind when I have these thoughts. I respect these girls and admire them quite a lot, though neither are in my life anymore. The first is a girl from my highschool years, who I’ll call “R”. R was intelligent, humble, cute. She was the type of girl who would actually show her frustration when she got upset, but would then quickly become red in the face, mutter something incomprehensible and set to task solving whatever problem had frustrated her. We “dated”, so to speak, over Spring break. By dated, I mean she said she wanted to be my girlfriend, and I said I wanted to be her boyfriend, but we never actually saw each other, and sort of drifted apart wordlessly. I was a freshman at the time, straight out of home school, so I really had no idea what I was doing. I often wonder how different my life would be if she had been a part of it this whole time.

The second girl is “M”, my freshman year of college. She was not really a love interest, but a true friend. She said what she meant, without being a bitch about it; it just came out naturally, like it would with any honest person. She was anorexic and suffered from General Anxiety Disorder, and we related to each other on that deeper level thanks to our shared mental suffering, though we rarely talked about it in normal conversation. M was very popular at school, a sorority girl and all that, so I’m grateful that she spent so much of her time with me and I value the friendship we had before I stupidly dropped out of college.

What is it about these girls I admired? I think it was a combination of being able to relate and their meekness that was so attractive. While the thought of a “strong” woman inspires lustful, resentful thoughts in me, the thought of a meek, feminine woman triggers a part of me that wants to protect her. I respect the idea of a woman like that, though in my current state of mind, I can’t see myself being with any woman at all. I can’t stand them, with their fake smiles, always going along with the popular opinion without any beliefs of their own, chasing after material gain wherever they can. I can’t say I’ve ever met a truly selfless woman, though the opposite can certainly be said of many men who suffer unreasonably at their hands.

In any case, these thoughts are frustrating. I try to convince myself they’re irrational, but I’m unable to do so. This misogyny is a huge issue I want to overcome, if only for my own potential happiness.


I’m quite tired at the moment and unsure what else to write, though I know there is more. I wonder how this post will appear to me a few years from now.

I’m going to take a break to actually cook something (my diet typically consists of precooked frozen meals) and then I will probably type up the first dream I wrote in my journal.

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